someone threw a dead crab at me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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