Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
