He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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