Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
