I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
