you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
