i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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