Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
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