Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
