i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
