Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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