I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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