Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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