I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
