My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
