i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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