I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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