Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
