and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
What drink are we having for lunch?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
