I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
