I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
