Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
