I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
