I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
