can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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