i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize