I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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