hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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