Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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