To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
