why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
