OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
