I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
