True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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