Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize