I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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