I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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