I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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