I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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