All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
