my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
