i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
