Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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