My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Actions speak louder than pants.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
