Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
