I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
