I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
