Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
