Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
