what day is it and did you see me today?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
