Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Randomize
