So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
