I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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