I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
