i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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