I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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