Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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