Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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