The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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