Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
