I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
