I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
